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Melancholy Musings (or why I’m still a teenage girl, no matter what my age is)

I’ve been done with classes and exams for almost two weeks, and an unhealthy amount of the time I’ve spent has been thinking about somebody I should not be spending that much time thinking about.  Wondering what he’s doing, why he hasn’t responded to the text or gchat I sent, if he’s thinking about me.  Wondering if I seem too needy, too clinging, especially given the nature of our relationship.  The fact that it probably doesn’t occur to him to think about me.  Then I get annoyed that he’s taking up so much of my thoughts and so many pages in my notebooks, that I can’t seem to just put him aside.

I tend to over-think a lot of things anyway, but especially where there are emotions involved.  There’s no good reason for this, it doesn’t do a whole lot of good, but it’s something I’ve done for as long as I can remember having complicated feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s more entertaining and enjoyable than thinking about the note I’m supposed to be writing to try to get on a law school journal, no matter how upset it makes me.  But it’s about as productive as a hamster running on a wheel.  

And I know how to fix it, that’s the worst part.  All I have to do is say “dude, seriously, can you tell me what’s up, and what you think, and if you’re as bothered by this as I am?  Because I can’t do this all anymore, something needs to change, and you tell me what but we should either go forwards or backwards.”  But of course that isn’t going to happen.  I’ll continue to wonder, and strategically plan what I say and when, and be utterly pathetic.  

Maybe I’m just emotionally stunted, maybe I need to suck it up and put my big girl pants on.  Or maybe the majority of young twenty-somethings act like middle school girls on occasion, when thinking about that one particular guy.  

I wish I could figure him out.


Woah, I have a blog!!

I hadn’t totally forgotten but I guess I’ve been neglectful and not updating.  I had all sorts of stuff planned to put up here but that clearly didn’t happen.  I’d like to get back into writing though, and have a record of this part of my life (which is wonderful and exciting but also difficult and confusing).

Anyway, here’s a brief summary of what I’ve been up to since June 2011 (dang it has been awhile, sorry to anybody who this was the only way they could follow what I was doing…which I don’t think is anybody…)

  • I graduated from Purdue!  I’ve got a nifty biochemistry degree saying that I know how to do science…
  • Took some classes in food policy, got hooked, presented in DC about ways to get people to buy and eat more fruits and vegetables.  Look out for updates on this topic in the future-I LOVE to talk about it and I think I bore a lot of my friends when I yammer on about food/agriculture issues.  
  • Made a pretty research poster and presented my data at the poster symposium!  (This was a process, there might be some design-focused stuff here soon, as I tend to like to talk about everything although I am by no means an expert at anything).  
  • Spent a summer loafing about in California, looking for a job, and writing trivia questions to fill my time.  

Aaaaaaand the big one…I started law school!  It’s been wonderful and amazing and terrible and impossible and just about everything else at one point or another, but hands down I would do it all again in a heartbeat.  I finally found a place where I feel I really belong, I’m doing what I love, and I’m surrounded by some of the best friends a girl could want (not that my friends from not-law-school aren’t wonderful, I still love you all I promise!!  I just honestly don’t think I could have gotten through my first semester without the amazing people I met).

Right now I’m on spring break, which means I’m out visiting the boy-toy and he’s at work all day while I’m doing the job search/working on homework/watching game of thrones and downton abbey so I plan on writing some more in detail about a couple of things (law related mostly, because I am a huge nerd).

 


Exams are yucky

I’m taking a break from my (semi-)regular pseudo-serious and insightful content (that sounds really pretentious, but I don’t mean it to be!  I just try to write so that it will be interesting) because being a student is hard.

Seriously!

This week has been especially intense, so that I feel like I should be making this face all the time.  Which is the “I’ve walked around all day in heels and my feet hurt and you’re going to make me go walk some more!” face.  But approximates how I felt after the physical chemistry exam I just endured.

But!!!

Next week is spring break, so hopefully I’ll be feeling more like this:

This is when I went to Sanibel, FL with two of my best friends for spring break.  While I’m not going anywhere for spring break this year, I do hope to relax and come back refreshed, as well as to hopefully get a lot of random things done and be insanely productive.

I like to aim high and then be disappointed when I sit on my lazy butt all the time.

What are your plans for spring break, or for next week?


Is Feminism Dead?

I recently came across this article and it left me feeling troubled.  The article is, in short, the response of an escort-turned-blogger to the numerous envious e-mails she gets from young women.  It fed my curiosity, enough that I clicked on the link over to the author’s blog, Nightmare Brunette.  (WARNING: The writing is often wonderful and heart-wrenching, but is at times moderately to very explicit).

What’s interesting is that Charlotte’s (a pen-name) account of the call girl life doesn’t sound at all like what I would generally imagine.  I’ve probably seen too many TV specials about girls forced into sex slavery, or drug addicts who have to sell their bodies so they can afford their vices.  Neither does it remind me of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, where she’s rescued and lives the fairy tale happily ever after life.  It appears, as is often the case, that Hollywood and the media in general have taken a very broad spectrum of experiences and lumped them all into one of two polarized caricatures.

Is this fantasy what causes young women to envy Charlotte?  Certainly, they don’t want to be sex slaves or destitute, infected drug addicts.  So, they must want the happily ever after experience.  Charlotte, disagrees, saying that it’s the pressure that society places on women to be pretty and slim and sexually attractive to earn their place, and that in being an escort, you are gaining confirmation that those things are true.  Reading it right after this older story about how girls, starting at a very young age, are playing up the “Girls Gone Wild” cliche of the drunken slut, paints a very disturbing picture.

First off, do girls really think this?  That a man, in saying he will pay you to sleep with him, is validating your existence as a woman?  That’s ridiculous.  In saying he will pay you, he’s saying he’s DESPERATE.  Sure, if he’s paying a lot of money, he’s going to want somebody better looking, but really?  It’s not that he finds you the most stunning, lust-worthy woman ever, and that’s why he has to pay you to sleep with him, it’s that YOU’RE AVAILABLE provided he pays a fee.  That’s not to say that I don’t think there are people who could find sex work enjoyable and rewarding.  But I think people are confused about what’s being implied when a man (or women) hires an escort.

Here’s an example.  If a man came up to me and told me he thought I was beautiful, sexy, whatever, and that he would pay money to sleep with me, if he could (let’s assume in a non-creepy manner) that’s one thing.  He’s simply saying that if he could, he would want me.  Let’s contrast that with the man who actually tries to buy sex from me.  The first guy is assuming my sexual activities aren’t on the market, it can’t be bought, it’s worth more than money.  The second guy thinks that if he gives me enough money, he can buy me.  Which scenario do you think would make you feel better about yourself?

But girls aren’t realizing this, instead, they’re getting more plastic surgery than ever before, developing more eating disorders, and consuming more alcohol.  That’s right, the number of girls who binge drink now surpasses the number of guys.  Tell me, where does that lead to happily ever after?

That brings back the question of where did feminism go?  What happened to the right to be valued for more than your face and body or abilities to have children and put dinner on the table?  Why is it that while girls are graduating from college than boys, that we still feel the need to sell our bodies to them?  Clearly, a woman no longer needs a man to support her.  Yet here we are.

Starting today, I challenge you to think about how people see you, and then ignore it.  What are you proud of that you’re accomplished?  What do you like most about yourself?  Figure that out, and rock it.  You’ll be happy.

you are the one that you want

image from SummerPierre

 


New Year, New Beginnings…

I know, I know, another cliche New Years post is probably not the best way to start off a brand new blog.  But recently, I’ve been feeling trapped in routine and monotony, despite the exciting things that have been going on in my life.  I’ve been struggling with confidence and loneliness recently, two things that I am determined to change this year.

My issues with confidence are complex, as I’m sure most are.  I know I’m an awesome, gorgeous person, exceptional in many areas.  But knowing in the abstract and feeling in the moment are completely different things.  I think the bulk of this problem stems from the constant push to compete, whether in school, music, or socially.  Some of these things have a clearly defined criteria for being “best,” but others are more subjective.  For instance, how do you determine which of two people is prettier?  Overall, you can’t really, because everybody is going to have a different opinion.  In things like this, it’s important to realize that just because other people are beautiful doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful.

The loneliness problem is all jumbled up in my head.  I have tons of good friends who I love to do things with, but sometimes I need alone time, which at the end leaves me feeling lonely.  I like to be surrounded by people, not quite the center of attention, but almost.  This past semester was really difficult as a number of people really close to me were far away.  Some of them will be much closer this coming semester, but they won’t be there forever, and it’s important to separate the need to physically interact with people and to communicate with people, the latter being much more important.

That’s all well and good, but why the need to post it on the internet, which is already filled with similar posts?  In hopes that taking time to do something purely for my own enjoyment will work to make me happy.  That creating something that other people might look to for advice or inspiration will go far in terms of addressing lingering confidence issues.  That being in contact with the entire world via the internet (although the entire world will probably never stumble on my little corner of the internet, it’s still there for anybody to see) will help me form connections.  And that by really looking at the problems that exist in my life, instead of burying them under something less challenging in the back of my mind, will help me better fix them.

Much love,

Allie Grace ❤


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